On Boxes and Divorce

Existentialist, atheist, anarchist, socialist, feminist, mystic, libertarian, “Ron Paul republican”, anarchocapitalist, Christian, Bitcoiner, non-feminist, activist, wife, misanthrope…these are all labels I’ve embraced or were adopted into over the years in about that order. They are also boxes I want no part of.

The first label began quite literally as ink on my hand—I took a Sharpie and wrote the word “existentialist” on my left hand after learning of the term in the book Black Boy in my freshman English class. I did it to be weird and agitate the conservative majority in my high school. Since then, I’ve bounced around labels a lot but always had the same internal moral compass.

So we’re tribal and regardless of your like or dislike of that it is factual. I’ve always been a bit of a “floater”—hanging on the periphery of many tribes and occasionally diving in only to dive back out after some consideration. My philosophy borrows from many sources and in any given week you may see me critique ideological opposites; hence the title of this blog “Extremely in Between”. This contrarianism has always been present internally as far back as I can remember. I’m bad at tribalism while simultaneously feeling drawn to it because don’t we all want to belong?

timgivesnoshitsI love exploring nuance and am disheartened that I get lumped in with others I also disagree with because of binary thinking. This theme has been constant in any group I’ve attempted to join whether socialist or capitalist or libertarian. Not even the brightest are immune from black and white thinking and that’s a shame. A longer post may be forthcoming.

So there’s that little dissatisfaction but oh well—it’s to be expected when writing for strangers on the internet. And now onto the second part of the title; I am going through a divorce. I’ve kept my personal life out of this blog out of respect for the privacy of my husband. We were together for nearly nine years and spent almost every day together. He was and still is my best friend. It’s too painful to recount the details and they are many but I also want to respect his privacy in our separation. If posting has seemed irregular or random, this is why. My brain hasn’t been functioning at optimal efficiency due to very deep depression that has been present for years but in the last year has intensified and has been even more exacerbated by the divorce. I forget important things, can’t think as well strategically, and find myself feeling pulled between being emotional at the smallest triggers while alternately feeling nothing at all. It’s most disturbing to not be able to feel love.

I highly recommend avoiding a divorce if you can. It really sucks. Nothing has made me feel like as much of a failure in my life. Sometimes you dedicate so much of your passion to something that is doomed. I’ve done that a lot but thought that my relationship would be different. It wasn’t because you can’t love someone enough to make them love themselves.

So, what is this post all about? I am redefining who I am and where I want to go. A lot of my identity has been wrapped up in another person’s and the various boxes I’ve associated with. I need to start over in many ways. I need to develop the inner voice that has been a whisper for so long. A lot of what’s been written here was a manifestation of that voice but I found myself ignoring it while sometimes striving towards the irrational and destructive. I am not a part of any movement but share similar goals with some activists. Ultimately, I am an individual that can’t be claimed by ideology, other individuals, or a relationship. My attempts at personal freedom will continue but I don’t want any part of shitty narratives—even ones I mostly agree with.

Maybe some bad poetry will be posted up here, who knows. I want to take this space in a different direction while retaining a humorous tone or a more serious one depending on what is called for. I also admit I’m bad at delineating the two. I have always dealt with trauma through humor and don’t really know any other tactics.

So, there’s my rambling. There was much more I wanted to write but keeping it brief is best. I’ll elaborate more in future posts if I feel it necessary.

TL;DR: I resent being boxed in and am also going through a divorce that is making my feels hurt really bad.

Also, if you are feeling depressed, please please please talk to someone about it. I am very thankful to the kind people who have lent me their ears during this whole mess. You’re not alone and people really do care more than you may think.

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2 Comments

Filed under Srs bsns

2 responses to “On Boxes and Divorce

  1. aiusloquens

    I feel for what you are going through, MK. I hope you find a sense of clarity and acceptance soon. I enjoy reading your stuff and you’ve managed to be admirably productive through what sounds like a trying period in your life.

    You seem to have hands in several pots, interest wise and ideology wise. That alone means you transcend the tedious labeling and census-taking of the identitarian elements in both regards, unless of course we’re talking about the Firedance-cryptocurrency-advocate-liberty-aligned-but-sympathetic-to-other-ideological-facets Liberation Front. Those people are fucking wackos whose movement long ago calcified into a rigid, dogmatic example of the Iron Law of Oligarchy at work.

    I also sympathize with a lot of what you’ve written. I know that shift from saturated emotion to numbness, and that forgetful and distracted malaise. And I’ve always tended to overemphasize my failures, especially in a chaotic shitstorm of self-hate, while at the same time I’ve treated my successes with a detached, “I could have done this better” downplaying analysis. So, though I’ve not been through a divorce, I’ve definitely banged my head against my steering wheel ala Scotty J, crying, “I’m a fucking idiot. I’m a fucking idiot,” and usually over some pretty dumb and inexorable shit, like no longer being able to maintain my emotional proximity to one of the seven or so billion human beings on the planet (that shit happens a lot, I hear). Lastly, I am, by my nature, an anti-authoritarian and like you I’ve found zero comfort in the identitarian locus of ideological movements I share some common ground with, and tend to view those elements as pathetic, especially in the case of ostensibly ‘individualist’ factions and schools.

    I don’t know that there is a solution except to let the crows crow. Keep movements at arm’s length and care not for what their fingers busily type into the BROTHER® P-TOUCH® whenever they hear your name. They will use you in one way or the other, a vote, a neck to sling a cardboard placard over, a volunteer resource, or a fund-tree. How can you use them? What resources do they have? How does that help your small business, or the content in your writing? For example, you received enough remittance in schadenfreude alone, let alone source material, from your unfortunate interactions with Cantwell, that you should be paying royalties to some liberty group for at least the next forty years. Though, we should all be remitting to for the lulz you’ve expounded in similar regard.

  2. lch

    Every day it gets a little better.

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